I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You Might Also Like
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.