JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?