One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.