I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.