“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.