Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I got bills
They’re multiplying
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro