me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.