New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
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*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
these two trucks have the same bed length
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.