Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’m going to need a moment here.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.