Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Ummm
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always