Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.