me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
seems like a niche market
lol
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.