Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Lube but for my dry humor.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried