My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?