Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Best mom ever 😂
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
😆this is so true
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
That eye roll….