“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.