Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.