[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Banana is the quietest snack
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.