I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!