waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.