My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
You Might Also Like
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
❤️🦆
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’