Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Bros before Ohioes
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
the #horror is real!
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.