I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not