hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
just pretend nothing happened
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.