coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
You Might Also Like
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My new favorite headline
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Trying
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE