FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔