FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs