Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Don’t we all.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.