Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.