Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:![]()
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time