Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
what could possibly go wrong?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…