The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
You Might Also Like
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Hard not to take this personally
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
mood