Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?