When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
You Might Also Like
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.