Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Wise advice
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow