So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.