According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.