[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*