That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
When I said I liked it rough.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: