My diet starts in January
of 2027
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
yeet
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.