Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025