*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Saturday
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT