Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.


Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.


Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.


when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??


Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*


The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?


Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.


Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here