@heatherjs

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

You Might Also Like

@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

@AnkCoupleTO

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

@molly7anne

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

@mydmac

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

@ThisOneSayz

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

@kvetchings

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

@chuuew

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*