Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Are we there yet?…
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!