Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed