The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
checking out some reviews of my local library
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul