Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
A short story about romance.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂