N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
You Might Also Like
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here