Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Okey dokey.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*