Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

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“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge


Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.


That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.


Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.


Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti


Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.


Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it


“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”


If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.