Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I only treason on days ending in y
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.