Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.