I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
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‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking