Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I didn’t realize that was an option
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”